Searching the planet for lost cargo pods inThe Alterssometimes yields movies from Jan’s collection, which you can watch with the crew for a big morale bonus. As it turns out, each is a sketch from comedy duo Chris And Jack, offering some levity among the tough choices that the game forces you to make.
In the world of the game, though, the movies are three-hour feature films. What if each sketch was extended into a full-length movie? Which ones would be worth the binge, and which ones would go, as Jan puts it, on the pile of shame?
9People Who Always Finish Your Sentences
In this sketch, two friends have lived together so long that they compulsively finish one another’s sentences, to the point where it starts to creep them out. No matter how hard they try, they both always know what the other one is going to say.
It’s a fun comedy bit, but the whole point is how annoying it is. However you might try to stretch out the plot to fill a feature’s run-time, it would get old fast.
8Ask Me Something Only I Would Know
A futuristic cop is faced with two identical copies of his partner; the real thing, and an impostor. As it turns out, coming up with a question to suss out the genuine article on the spot is actually kind of hard.
We’ve seen this trope before countless times, to the point where it’s a parody of itself, so a movie based on this sketch would need to be more about the interplay between the two bumbling future agents. It could work, but there are better ideas in Jan’s DVD pile.
7Secret Message From Earth
I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed that the Secret Message From Earth was a behind-the-scenes look at the devs working on the game, rather than some world-shattering hidden lore. That said, the passion of the folks at 11 Bit Studios is infectious, and it would be fun to see a full documentary about the development of a title like The Alters.
6Body Swap
We probably don’t need any more body-swap movies; after all, we already have three Freaky Friday films, and a sequel to the Lindsay Lohan/Jamie Lee Curtis version coming later this year. The sketch centers around the swapped characters learning all the wrong lessons from their ordeal, but the punchline gag at the end could be a fun twist on the genre.
5Secret Alien
This scene could be inserted into just about any low-budget sci-fi film from the early 2000s; an alien has replaced a member of a spaceship’s crew, and only testing everyone’s blood for its pathogen will reveal who it is before the creature kills again.
Like many of the sketches, this one is based on a pretty well-worn trope, so there’s not exactly a cinematic gap to be filled here. I’d take a generic, original plot over anAmong Usfilm adaptation, though, and viewed with the right people cheesy sci-fi can be better than the good stuff.
4The History Of The Universe
The only animated short in the bunch,The History Of The Universetakes us on a journey through a bizarre galaxy filled with strange aliens, where humanity was barely a worth mentioning in the grand scheme of things. It feels a bit likeRick And Morty, but without the baggage, which is kind of refreshing.
3Mind Wipe
I honestly didn’t even know thatMen In Blackhad gotten a new movie in 2019 until I Googled it for this list, which probably says something about how the franchise is doing. This sketch has a neat premise for the series that inspired it, though; what if the Neuralyzer just stopped working? What do the Men In Black do when their chief tool for keeping aliens secret from the public is no longer an option?
2Aliens Have Finally Responded
I’m a sucker for first contact stories, and this sketch shows what could happen if humanity’s first meeting with intelligent life goes wrong - notIndependence DayorWar Of The Worldswrong, but more likeThe Cable Guywrong. The Golden Record is picked up by a pair of aliens at the far reaches of a vast alien empire; they just want to be friends with Earth, but they’re completely insufferable.
The sketch opens up plenty of possibilities to expand on this unfortunate first contact, with the aliens opening a portal and inviting Earth’s finest to join them on their space station. What could go wrong?
1Future Ex-Girlfriend
This movie would rule. An unassuming inventor holds the secret to stopping an alien invasion, but he needs help from the future… and his ex travels back in time to make it happen. Time travel stories all say you shouldn’t know too much about your future, and this is why.
The inventor’s confusion at the whole situation, thrust on him out of nowhere, while he’s still dating the present version of his future ex, is loads of fun, as is the new future boyfriend’s attempts to be civil about the whole thing. A time-traveling action comedy with a love triangle? I’ll buy my tickets right now, please and thank you.
