If you’ve ever played any kind of multiplayer title, especially one involving PVP, you’ll have no doubt encountered griefers. You know the type: players who don’t get enjoyment from winning like a normal person, but instead like to make themselves feel good by continually annoying others.
After yet another instance of being spawn camped in an FPS game, we’ve decided to console ourselves by picturing thenine circles of hell from Dante Alighieri’s The Inferno, and deciding which one these different types of griefers belong in.
9AFKers
First Circle: Limbo
AFKers are most commonly found in PVP battles. They are people who log into the battle then decide to go away from their keyboard and not participate, hence AFKers. This type of player was often found in World of Warcraft PVP battles back in the day - ironically, trying to farm honor by sitting behind a rock, one of the most unhonorable moves ever.
There are more protections against AFKers these days, but those who find ways round the systems, usually with bots, deserve to be in Limbo, the first circle of hell. Here they are destined to roam around the caves, forever alone. Surely, a fitting punishment for those who would abandon their comrades is to find themselves in a solitary and bleak limbo for all eternity?
8Teabaggers
Second Circle: Lust
Teabaggers are one of the most annoying but reasonably harmless types of griefers. They are the players who, after killing you, thrust their avatar’s groin in your face in an attempt to teabag your corpse. Just in case you don’t understand the somewhat lewd gesture, they will usually shout “suck on that!” to add some context.
The circle of lust feels most apt for these players, who are presumably affection-starved if they are seeking intimate contact with a stranger’s avatar. I also propose that the lewder and more frequent the gestures, the more violent the endless storm they will be caught in while in this second circle of hell.
7Food Stealers
Third Circle: Gluttony
Food stealers tend to be found on multiplayer servers for survival or sandbox games. They are the players who will wait until you are distracted, usually by a quest, task or enemy, then sneak into your base and steal all your food. However, it’s not always just food, they may also pilfer weapons, armor, or other resources.
Since food is one of the most commonly stolen items, the third circle of hell, gluttony, best fits these players. Gluttons can’t get enough and take far more than they need. Due to this, they are considered cold in nature and will face the ceaseless icy rains of hell as a result. Try cooking the raw steak you stole from my Minecraft house in that snow storm Timmy!
6Resource Hoggers
Fourth Circle: Greed
Resource hoggers differ from food thieves, since instead of taking resources, they do their best to stop others from accessing resources in the first place. This can include things like collecting all of a resource and hoarding it, building defenses around farmable materials to prevent access, or just generally annoying anyone who comes close by, usually by hitting them to prevent gathering.
This also includes anyone who came to visit my Animal Crossing Island and picked my flowers and stole my fruit without permission…
The fourth circle of hell, greed, sees those in it consumed by a pit of melting gold. If they escape, they are swept back in. Being forever surrounded by gold is perfect for those who seek to make their fortune by charging others to access resources they are obnoxiously blocking.
5Rage Quitters
Fifth Circle: Anger
Rage quitters come in many different forms. Often, they get frustrated by someone else’s mistakes, but they have also been known to blow up over their own mistakes, and even those they think might have happened but aren’t sure if they actually did. Whatever sets off these angry players usually results in them rage-quitting the match after an angry tirade.
While you may not consider rage-quitting griefing as such, it does cause issues for others. Firstly, we have to listen to the rants, then when they do quit it unbalances teams in the same way AFKers do. Therefore, it is only fitting that they belong here, where they will be forced to take place in an endless battle in a murky swamp. No matter how angry they get, they won’t be able to quit this fight.
4Stream Snipers
Sixth Circle Heresy
Heresy isn’t just for religion, it applies to anyone who goes against the established customs and doctrines. In gaming circles, no other griefer summarizes this better than the stream sniper. These underhanded individuals seek out content creators and watch their streams, using the information they can gain from watching to locate and sneak up on the unsuspecting players.
Stream snipers appear to get extra pleasure from seeing themselves unfairly gank someone on a stream, presumably feeling more powerful the more people see their dishonorable kill. They don’t care that the only reason they got it was due to an unfair advantage. As a result, the sixth circle of hell will see these sneaky gamers trapped in a flaming pit with demons forever watching, preventing their escape. Enjoy the viewers.
3Spawn Campers
Seventh Circle: Violence
Nothing epitomizes violence, the seventh circle of hell, better than spawn campers. These obnoxious beings sit by spawn points in order to continuously slay newly respawned players. Since in most games you respawn with no gear, this usually means you get locked in an endless cycle of being killed then resurrecting, only to immediately be one-shotted and sent back to respawn again, and again, and again.
Anyone who stands by a respawn anchor to block its use is a borderline case to be determined upon arrival in hell.
There’s no more fitting place for bloodthirsty spawn campers than the seventh circle of hell, where they are destined to drown in a lake of boiling blood forevermore. I hope they enjoy literally drinking blood for all eternity. Nobody is more deserving.
2Angry Know-It-Alls
Eighth Circle: Fraud
Mainly found in FPS games, these players think they know everything. It doesn’t matter if you’ve played a particular character for three years, compared to their three weeks, or more commonly, three minutes. They know how to do it better. Whatever you do is wrong, and not even the horrific kill-to-death ratio of these misguided know-it-alls can convince them otherwise.
The eighth circle of hell, fraud, seems fitting for these wannabes, who are absolutely pretending to be an amazing player, yet never actually showing any proof of skill or talent of any kind. All talk and no follow-through, the annoying individuals pretending to be great and shouting a lot to disguise their obvious inadequacies can go straight to where a pit of darkness and demon torturers await.
1Toxic Bigots
Ninth Circle: Treachery
While treachery most fittingly applies to anyone aiding and abetting the enemy, I’d like to stretch this one to include all those who exhibit any form of toxic behavior. We’re talking about those who use homophobic, transphobic, racist, or sexist language and slurs. The bigots who seem to care less about the game and more about how many people they can make sweeping statements about and insult.
The circles of hell are supposed to get worse as you venture down, so this lowest circle, where Satan himself is said to reside in the ice plains, is surely the only place for those who display such hatred and contempt. I’d extend the invite to those whose inappropriate and toxic behavior is actually illegal, but I feel like there’s an extra circle for them which I cannot describe within editorial guidelines…
