Look, I’m not saying theSwitch 2isn’t good. I’m sure it runs like a dream, has crisp visuals, and probably makes toast or something. But here’s the thing: I’m not buying it. Not because I’m being logical or frugal or wise. No, it’s because I’m petty. Deeply, stubbornly petty.
So while everyone else is getting hyped about next-gen Nintendo, I’ll be over here, arms crossed, muttering about Joy-Con drift and missed Animal Crossing opportunities. Here are all the deeply personal, slightly ridiculous reasons I’m refusing to board the hype train. At least for now. Probably. Don’t look at me like that.
8There’s No Animal Crossing Announcement, So What’s The Point?
Listen, I knowNew Horizonsdidn’t launch until three years after the original Switch, but that doesn’t mean I’m emotionally stable enough to wait that long again. If you think I’m buying a brand-new console just to play Mario Kart again, you’ve got another thing coming.
No Isabelle? No Tom Nook? No seasonal events that guilt-trip me into pretending to have a green thumb? Then no deal. Nintendo, I need cozy fishing, sassy villagers, and crippling debt in the form of home renovations. Until then, my wallet stays closed, and my New Horizons island remains my last safe space.
7There Are No Cute Exclusives Yet
Nintendo knows how to design a unique console. Remember the Animal Crossing Switch? That thing had pastel Joy-Cons and a dock with a tiny island. So why does the Switch 2 look like a mildly upgraded router? Until I see a console that looks like it belongs to a cozy gamer with a collection of enamel pins and no cable management skills, I’m not biting.
Give me something with charm and with personality. Right now, it looks like something I’d find in a tech bro’s apartment next to his VR headset and emotional unavailability.
6My Joy-Con Still Drifts, And So Do My Trust Issues
I don’t care how revamped or reengineered the new controllers are. Until Nintendo issues a formal apology and hand-delivers me a functioning analog stick, I will not be healed.
My old Joy-Cons failed me in the heat ofSmash Bros, and I’ve never been the same. Pikachu was mid-final smash, and suddenly, I was walking straight into the void like I had a death wish. That’s not user error. That’s sabotage. If Nintendo thinks I’ve forgotten the spiral caused by analog drift, they’re sorely mistaken. Until I get a controller that doesn’t gaslight me mid-match, I’ll be keeping my distance… and my grudge.
5Switch 2 Is The Laziest Name Possible
Really? Switch 2? That’s what we’re going with? They just threw a number on it like it’s an iPhone upgrade?
Call it the Super Switch, the Switcheroo, Nintendo Switched Again, anything! But Switch 2 sounds like a patch note. It makes me feel like I’m agreeing to new terms and conditions, not investing in the next era of gaming. I want magic. I want to say the name out loud and feel something.
4I Know They’ll Just Release A Switch 2 OLED XL Deluxe In 18 Months
Fool me once with the OLED, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. We all know how this goes. The base console launches, you buy it, and suddenly Nintendo drops a version with a better screen, a cooler name, and a bonus game code.
The second I buy this thing, a new version will appear in a Direct like it’s been there all along, mocking me with its superior specs and exclusive Joy-Cons. I’m not falling for it again…yet.
3Nintendo Still Refuses To Have Real Sales On The EShop
Why is it that the only game ever on sale is a Sudoku clone from 2013? I can’t justify buying a new console when the eShop still acts like Mario Odyssey is a brand-new release that justifies $59.99 in 2025.
Meanwhile, my Steam wishlist is a revolving door of $3 indie masterpieces and 80 percent off bundles. Give me real discounts or give me free games. Until then, my wallet and I are staying exactly where we are: bitter and broke.
2Buying A New Console Feels Like Admitting The Passage Of Time
The original Switch came out in 2017. That feels fake, like a number invented by a scientist trying to upset me. Upgrading consoles means upgrading my own sense of mortality. If I buy a Switch 2, I have to admit that I’ve aged, that my backlog is eternal, and that soon I’ll be telling kids that I “remember when game discs were a thing.”
I don’t want to be that person yet. I want to cling to the illusion that time is an illusion.
1Because I Know I’ll Cave Eventually, And That’s Infuriating
I know myself. I’ll act strong. I’ll write an article, something dramatic, like “Yes, The Switch 2 Looks Great. No, I’m Not Buying It, And Here Are My Deeply Petty Reasons Why,” and six months later I’ll be unboxing it on my floor like a little gremlin.
Nintendo doesn’t even have to try that hard. They’ll announce a remaster I love, or a game where Kirby learns to crochet, and I’ll black out and wake up at checkout. That’s the worst part, this isn’t even a protest. It’s a countdown to inevitable betrayal by my own lack of self-control.
