Video games make people happy. It’s a valuable form of entertainment in an ever stressful world. Being able to write about video games makes me happy, because I enjoy knowing that like-minded folks out there can benefit from the wisdom and perspective I provide. And with theNintendo Switch 2, there’s a lot to say.
That’s what I told myself when this truly… unique… job came across my desk, a job too interesting to pass up. Nintendo has a reputation for the flavor of their game cards, but what about the rest of their products. Someone has toreallyput them to the (taste) test, so it might as well be me.
The glass of pinot grigio was placed there as a visual complement to the scene. At no point after licking and photographing consumer electronics did I down the glass and question my career choices.
Power Cable
☆☆☆☆☆
Honestly, I was a little too scared to give this one an actual taste. Maybe I have a picky palate, maybe my parents raised me right (enough) to have some common sense to not lick electrical power supplies.
Regardless, this one is being placed on the same ranking as pufferfish: too lethal; zero stars.
Game Card
Actually awful. The physical game cards feature a special plastic formula for their cases that gives the body a sharp, bitter, and somewhat sour flavor that immediately spreads on contact.
In less than a second, the palate is overwhelmed by this singular alkaline assault on the taste buds. Not worth it, especially at these portion sizes. Zero stars.
Virtual Game Card
★☆☆☆☆
While significantly less offensive than their physical counterparts, the virtual game cards are significantly less… well, everything. The tremendously underwhelming flavor profile somehow manages to go unnoticed thanks to the non-corporeal portion sizes.
The sampling was also slightly hindered by the new Card Sharing system. While the system may benefit sharing meals with friends, it’s a slight encumbrance compared to the all-you-can-eat buffet of digital games we had prior. One star.
TV Dock
The Switch 2 TV Dock does amazing things for the multifunctionality of the console, helping it bridge the gap between HD and handheld performance. It does extremely little for my evening brunch, however.
A slight friction to the plastic, paired with its large size but low weight, make this one feel like a disappointingly meatless crab leg: all shell, no filler. While it wasn’t a direct attack on my senses, it was the only one I’d describe as being disappointing. One Star.
Carrying Case
★★☆☆☆
The carrying case accessory product has many of the same flaws as the TV Dock. It’s large but hollow. The outer casing is a similar plastic as the other products, but with a slightly rougher texture.
What kicks it higher is the red and blue zipper garnish, which presents a surprisingly enjoyable chew, despite being a hard plastic. Two Stars.
Left Joycon
★★★☆☆
This is where we start separating the gamer wheat from the chaff, whatever that means. The Left Joycon is part of the main product. As such, it features the most premium of materials.
The plastic has a wonderful balance of smooth texture and that ever so gently acrid flavor (I do wonder if they use the same bittering agent as they do in the game carts, but to a more mild degree). The softer rubber of the joystick has a more satisfying mouth feel. And if you have it attached, the wrist strap provides a pleasant fabric flavor to follow up with. Three Stars.
Right Joycon
The Right Joycon is identical in profile to the Left Joycon, except it’s red, and everyone knows that red tastes better than blue.
Pro Controller
★★★★☆
The Pro Controller tastes how it feels: Better than Joycons. They’re similar in texture and palate, including the supple savor of the joysticks. But there’s more, it’s sturdier, and handles better.
While there’s no fabric wrist strap to round it out, the main plastic has a slightly more refreshing flavor than the Joycons that really brings it together. Four Stars
Camera
★★★★★
The Nintendo Switch 2 Camera accessory was the sleeper hit I never saw coming. But that’s because, silly me, I was still looking at it like a piece of technology and not as a food item. The camera has a smooth body with an even smoother front plate that cascades a refreshing palate on the tongue. But what really knocks it out of the park is the presentation.
The size is perfect, and it has a delightful upright presentation that sits perfectly on a plate. It’s proof that something can be both visually satisfying and enjoyable to taste. Five Stars.
Console
It makes complete sense that the main course would taste best. The Nintendo Switch 2 body has that premium plastic flavor I experienced with the controllers on a larger, more approachable body.
But the console is like a fine steak: it tastes best when heated properly. Playing a graphically intensive game long enough so that the cooling fans kick in, and you’re presented with a rich, savory metallic flavor that cascades over the plastic, combining the contrasting but complementary flavors wonderfully. This one is my favorite. Five Stars.
Does the Nintendo Switch 2 console actually taste good, or has an hour of licking expensive plastic distorted my palate and chipped away at the final flakes of my mental well-being? That’s a question for God or my therapist, neither of which have been answering my calls lately.
