What’s up, you sad losers? It’s me, your boy, Mark Marken Markerson the Third. I may be a 45 year old man raised in a three story mansion in Vermont, but I ain’t care if y’all don’t think my attempts at slang are off the chain. BecauseI’m about to get real and drop some truth bombsabout my new game Muscle Guns 3: Lifting for War.
And by “get real”, I mean divide our game’s Reddit community and dive-bomb our player count by distracting from our actual game-related announcement to run through my grievances with other companies. And, boy, do I have a lot of them!
My Game Is The Only Game That Should Be A Game
You see, ever since my dad bought me a video game company when I was 17, I’ve known that I was destined to pave my own way and create the best action games ever made. As part of that, I’ve held a one-way personal grudge against every other developer for no real reason. Despite my game having a positive fanbase, solid reputation, and well-liked mechanics, I gotta be honest: I’m still really upset that other companies have the audacity to exist. And, worse for society, they make games in the same genre as me! That’s simp behavior, if I’m using that word right. My son won’t tell me ever since I sent him to boarding school.
What’s the problem with this genre? Uhhhh, hello, whatisn’tthe problem with this genre? Don’t worry. I won’t actually specify my issues in that much detail but y’all playas know what they are. All I’m trying to say in this spot ata major game festivalthat cost our company $500,000 is that we are the real underdogs here. Not those other pathetic companies whose games play like they came from the back of a sick elephant. God I hate them.
The people that work there aren’t even sentient. More like vile automatons that I wouldn’t pee on if they were burning to death in front of me. Their games represent the moral rot of this industry and I’m here to personally weed it out with my own assistant’s hands.
Don’t Get Too Close! I’m Being Edgy!
See this riff on a controversial slogan I’m wearing? Uh oh! Does that offend you? Are you offended yet? Please tell me you’re offended! I’ll wait for you to tell me you’re offended! Well, too bad! I’m just too real! Also I’m going to act like the smallest little boy when others don’t like it and I’ll claim it was misinterpreted. What I mean to say is if we’re going to save this industry, we need to secede from the stale union of this genre and have a plantation of good games, that’s what’s up!
And no, I didn’t run this speech by anyone before I got on stage. I’m my own man (see: rebel). Because I will put everything I have into this game, no matter how many checks my father has to write. He might not like it, but he knows it’s the only way I’ll maintain contact.
Oh, you’re a fan who loves our actually quite good game but feels embarrassed by me right now? You want to hear less complaining and more about what’s coming for Muscle Guns 3: Lifting for War? How about you hear more about deez nuts! You don’t own me! You aren’t the boss of me! And you definitely can’t tell me what to do! Again, we paid for this spot on stage and nobody is going to ever make me focus on the thing I’m developing and ostensibly supposed to be promoting, YOLO!
I’m Making The Same Game, But The Twist Is, It’s Better
But alright, you disgusting piggies, I’ll bite. I’ll tell you what puts us above the rest. You want to know why I think these developers should be put down like rabid dogs? It’snot the exploitative business practices. It’snot the senseless layoffs. It’s not the crunch. It’s that they’re a tarnished hall of mirrors, repeating the same overdone modes again and again as if the players wouldn’t notice the sheer lack of creativity. They have no new ideas and that disgusts me. The one thing I ever ask for in my games is innovation.
That’s why I’m excited to announce our new extraction mode with crafting elements! And if that doesn’t get you amped to the max, there will also be some light parkour! W-w-w-what? You heard me right, you trash bags.Light.Parkour. Bet you didn’t see that coming! And the competition won’t know what hit them because nobody has done it yet. Well, okay, they have. A lot have. But we’re doing it in a way that’s better than those mid companies, fo shizzle.
But don’t worry, we’ll still have all the skins you know and love for $100. Hell, I’ll even prove I’m a great guy and only charge $50. Aren’t I magnanimous? My dad won’t like it, but what papa doesn’t know can’t hurt him. And if you don’t like it either, you’re able to take it out on our social media manager. They’ve worked hard to foster a sense of community and answer fans’ questions. But their job title might as well be ‘human target’ when I’m done! Ayyoooo!
Well, that about wraps up my very expensive therapy session telling off my perceived nemeses. But enough about my fury at other companies and my dad telling me to wear a suit - let’s take an exclusive look at the innovative spectacle that is Muscle Guns 3: Lifting for War set to the hit recent songBring Me to Life by Evanescence.
