I first got intoDungeons & Dragonsby watchingDimension 20, which led quickly to playing with other editors from TheGamer in a campaign written and DMed by our very own Editor-In-Chief, Stacey Henley. Bored with hiding behind boxes and being squishy, I decided that as we moved from our first short campaign into our second, much more in-depth adventure, I would play a tank character.
After testing a couple of classes in Baldur’s Gate 3, and watching some played on screen, I settled on barbarian. But not just any barbarian. A full-on Kronk-inspired stupid himbo, who absolutely doesn’t think things through. Most of the time, this is amazing fun. Other times? The regret is real.
When A Stranger Makes An Offer You Can Refuse But Don’t
Early in the campaign, our party was exploring a town, and we came across a lovely friendly fellow who made an offer I decided I couldn’t refuse. I wish I could remember what he called the item he offered me, but it was something that sounded vaguely wholesome, which turned out to be giant steroids.
One of the first people we met offered me an unknown substance, and without asking any questions at all, I said yes. There should have been a clue in the glazed expression on his face, but nope. I did not stop to think. It was free. He said it was good. Was I supposed to pass up something amazing and free? Absolutely not.
At first, it felt great. I was told I’d become stronger, and I gained a nice point of strength, permanently. It quickly transpired that this came at the cost of a point of intelligence, which I didn’t have too many of to begin with. Within the first few hours, I’d already made my already pretty dumb self stupider. And it was just the beginning.
I Killed The Cat And I’m Sorry
My next regret didn’t involve consuming anything, but instead I allowed myself to be persuaded to kill a cat. Something I absolutely didn’t want to do and would feel relentlessly guilty about afterward.
Now forgive my memory here, it’s a little hazy and my notes are tear-streaked, but it all began in a forest. We encountered living trees, Ent-type creatures we were delighted to meet. But sadly they were in trouble. It turned out that local wildlife had been consuming the same mysterious substances I’d taken earlier, but the effects were far more horrific. They turned into rampaging monsters, consuming anything in their path.
We pulled a cat, who had apparently consumed these substances, from the trunk of a living tree and then it happened. The party began to convince me that this adorable creature wasdestined to turn into some Eldritch-type beingand go on a rampage. It needed to be slaughtered now for the good of the entire forest and all its inhabitants.
No one else would kill the cat and I had to step up. I pleaded, but they were relentless, so I did it. Then I cried. So they did what good friends do in these situations: laughed at me and wrote a song about it.
Our bard really wrote a parody song about my barbarian crying over a cat. He even recorded himself playing guitar and singing it. It turns out he’s pretty talented, but don’t tell him I said that.
What’s The Worst That Could Happen?
As the campaign continued, so did my quest for strength and failure to consider consequences. We were still in the early stages of the campaign but starting to encounter stronger enemies. We’d reached the point where we had finally started to remember things like looting enemies and asking for payment, so we were ready to spend that gold and gain an advantage, since we were still low-level. Decent gear was unreachable, but we figured potions were a good call, so off we went to find a friendly alchemist.
Imagine the excitement when we were given some potions to test. Free potions! From someone who absolutely must have been legit because they were in a potion makers' guild. I was so sure this wasn’t like last time. I mean you have to be competent to be accepted into a guild, right? And all we had to do was report back what happened after we took them.
So off we went to consume our newly acquired strength potions. I took one, because I’m both a tank and always first in line, and gained a permanent strength boost. Our fighter took one next and got the same result. Now at this point, you’d think we’d leave it there, right? Wrong.
You see, there were three potions, and no one else needed a strength boost. So, in the name of not wasting things, and channeling the Dr Pepper slogan, what’s the worst that could happen? I downed a second one.
As it happens, the worst that can happen is that your skin turns red, and you grow devil horns. Now, if I was still a Tiefling I might have fared better. Unfortunately, I am in fact a half elf and also following the path of the giant, so I already have a pretty intimidating stature. And I now look like I forgot to remove my Halloween costume and have a tendency to evoke mistrust and scare small children. Whoops.
It’s A Trap
My next mistake was a rookie error. We were in apuzzle section of the quest. The room this took place in was mostly empty, and we had to work out what was required to open a series of locks. There were tongues involved and it was all very weird. However, my mistake happened almost immediately, so I can’t even blame being distracted by the bizarreness.
Upon seeing a keyhole and not much else, I immediately decided that, without any thought of traps and perception checks, I should look through it. That’s right. In a weird room with a keyhole, I decided that I needed to immediately put my eye up against the unknown and unchecked keyhole.
The inevitable happened: I got poked in the eye, and I am now the owner of an eyepatch, and also lost some of the little charisma I was clinging on to in the process.
It’s A Scam
In one session, we were a couple of players short, so we decided to just wander around town and explore, when we came upon a gym. Inside was a strong-looking guy looking to make a nice friendly wager.
When he asked if I could withstand a punch from him, I didn’t hesitate. Clearly, he didn’t realize that I may not be the brightest, but I am the strongest. Well, so I thought.
I have no idea what happened next, because suddenly, I was sparked out on the floor while our bard was handing over 50 gold to the guy who had just done it. I got played, and the worst part is I have no idea how.
A Nat One On Stage
Mostly because I want to try and cling to the last bit of any respect you may have for my lovable himbo, and also because it’s an incredible tale, we finish with what sounds like the worst-timed natural one ever, but was turned into a personal highlight.
The TLDR for this setup is that there’s a concert taking place in town. While trying to access the venue for a quest, we discovered that the support band had gone missing. Skip to the end and we found ourselves on stage.
Our bard had gone on in his regular outfit, while our sorcerer and I decided to raid the missing support band’s costumes. I was a dragon, and he was in a baby onesie. After an amazing performance, we were heading towards the finale. I struck a pose, pressed the button on my costume that unleashed fire, and then for my finale…
…rolled a natural one.
The highlight of our performance: I rolled a natural one and went down, hard.
Then suddenly, out of the disaster rose victory. The sorcerer baby was declared victorious against the dragon in a true David and Goliath story and the crowd went wild! Yes, it was at my expense, but I owned that failure, and I imagine that it will remain my greatest mistake throughout the adventures to come.
