Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there: staring down another gargantuan, god-like entity inElden Ring, controller slick with sweat, wondering if there’sanyalternative to dying for the dozenth time. What if, instead of dodging massive attacks and chugging flasks, we just… talked?
Forget the Wondrous Physick; I’m here to propose the Wondrous Chat! These are the bosses who, I believe, could have been reasoned with, given the right words and maybe a few well-placed bribes. It’s time to put down our swords and pick up our charming smiles.
8The Red Wolf Of Radagon
This one’s the no-brainer. He’s just a big, flashy doggo, right? Sure, he’s got a magic sword in his mouth and zips around like a hyperactive squirrel, but I bet a good scratch behind the ears would have him rolling over for belly rubs instead of trying to rollusover with magic.
I’d wager he’s probably just stressed from guarding the academy and is in need of a treat. Do you reckon there are dog treats in the Lands Between? We can craft all sorts of things, so why not a tasty bone?
7Stray Mimic Tear
A Mimic Tear is… a Mimic Tear! It’s just me! Sure, if you head in with magic fizzing from your staff or a gigantic sword in your hands, it’s going to come right back at you with the same vibes.
We do not accept any liability for injuries incurred whileentering the Mimic Tear’s boss arena without a weapon.
I’d suggest going into this boss arena with peace in your heart and weapons left behind. After all, who’s going to understand your diplomacy better than you? And hey, maybe it just wants to be appreciated for its mimetic talents, not used as a weapon.
6Starscourage Radahn
This poor guy is literally rotting from the inside out and is just wandering the desert with his tiny horse, Leonard. He’s not well, evidently.
I bet a calm conversation about his glory days, a promise to find a cure for his rot, and maybe some oats for Leonard would have him settling down for a nap instead of attempting to crush us with gravity magic. He’s just tired, bless his heart.
5Loretta
The spirit version of Loretta feels less like a true antagonist and more like a dutiful, albeit misguided, guardian.
A sincere explanation of our intentions (we just want to pass, honest!) and perhaps a promise not to disturb the Haligtree’s peace could sway her. She’s got a strong sense of duty; maybe we can appeal to that.
The other Loretta, though? Maybe leave her alone.
4Gideon Ofnir, The All-Knowing
Surely, a man of such vast intellect would be open to a debate or a philosophical discussion about the nature of the Elden Ring and our respective goals. Tell a man who prides himself on being ‘All-Knowing’ that you know something he doesn’t, and that’s sure to at least delay his Comet Azur.
We could probably just talk him into giving us all the answers, saving everyone a lot of trouble. He seems like he’d appreciate a good intellectual sparring match more than a physical one, and that would end up with a lot less blood spilt than the alternative.
3Malenia, Blade Of Miquella
Okay, hear me out. I know what you’re thinking: madness, right? Malenia is clearlysuffering immensely from the Scarlet Rot. What if, instead of fighting her, we offered a genuinely compassionate attempt to help her?
Malenia’s absolute devotion to her brother Miquella is her most defining trait. Instead of drawing steel, imagine approaching her with a genuine offer to help locate Miquella, or even better, a promise to alleviate his suffering. Her combat prowess stems from a desperate love; appeal to that love, and perhaps she’d see an ally rather than an enemy.
2Fire Giant
This poor dude is literally tied to a duty of keeping the fire. Perhaps a negotiation for a temporary ‘coffee break’ from his eternal task, or an offer to help with the kindling, would earn his goodwill.
He’s enormous, but also seems pretty lonely doing his job in the rear end of nowhere. Perhaps a nice chat with someone who isn’t going to spend seven minutes jabbing him like an annoying mosquito while they ride a mystical horse around him is all he needs.
1Mohg
I know this one is a stretch, but hear me out. There really aren’t many bosses here that I could see holding a full conversation, let alone potentially letting me live.
Mohg is obsessed with Miquella and his own twisted dynasty. What if you came in with an elaborate, genuinely compelling pitch for how your rise to Elden Lordship would ultimately benefit his bloodline’s goals in a way his current methods couldn’t?
It would have to be a truly masterful piece of rhetoric, but if anyone’s open to an unconventional path to power, it’s Mohg.
