With over a hundred items to date inDate Everything!, it’s not a surprise that you’ll have a hard time falling for all of them. Not everything can be as comforting as your bed or as doting as a dust bunny. Sometimes, it’s just not your style to seduce a nightmare or a lamp, and that’s okay! You can love whoever you want.
However, we have a list of the ten most difficult objects to romance in the house–and not for the reasons you think. Sometimes, people and objects just don’t get along. Sometimes the hate endings are just better.
10Captain Jacques Pierrot, The Ship In A Bottle
Time To Walk The Plank
This little gem isn’t so bad, but it sure is fun to get under his skin. He likes to roleplay as a captain on that petite ship of his, and his design is the perfect caricature of a cartoon pirate. Making flirtatious jokes breaks the illusion just long enough to laugh.
The dialogue is perfectly cheesey, and it’s exciting to be combative with Jacques. While he’d be fun to romance, it’s much more fun to mess with him and get the hate ending.
9The Hanks, The Hangers
Five Guys Is Too Many
Robbie Daymond is a treat in every role, and the same can be said for the Hanks–the team of five hangers living in your closet. Each one shows off a different aspect of Daymond’s range.
However, they just didn’t hit right. They’re exciting and out there, but there wasn’t much pull to romance them–except the one Hank who openly flirts with you. Couldn’t push me to love them, but they’re the best bros a homeowner could ask for. Besides, not every relationship needs to lead to love.
8Washford, The Washing Machine
Wishy Washy At Best
I love waxing poetic as much as the next household object, but Washford is just too much. I tried–really, I did–to give him a chance, but who wants to fall in love with someone who openly misses their ex that literally sits on top of them? Flowerly language aside, it’s just too much drama for my house.
His strong build and illustrious voice is appealing, to be sure, but it’s the web of entaglement that earns him a spot on this list. If you broke up with your ex years ago and still aren’t over it, there’s a problem I can’t help with.
7Clarence Couture
And The Bat-Man Pillow, Too
Even when you finally get Dirk away from Harper, he’s still a mess. A neatly folded, more eloquent mess, but nonetheless a disaster emotionally. When you do find him, there’s a moment of clarity now that he’s free from his toxic ex–but that moment is brief.
While you can choose what kind of relationship to have with Clarence, it all depends on if you want to get intimate with his dakimakura (body pillow for peasants, in his own words). Featuring a pin-up style Bat-Man, it’s clear that Harper might have had reasons to be concerned, and everthing is this house desperately needs therapy.
6Jean Loo Pissoir, The Toilet
A Royal Pain In The Flush
Everyone is going to want to run for the toilet for the humor of it, but between the poor French accent and the bathroom humor, it left a poor taste in my mouth. While fun at first, it quickly gets old. Maybe it’s just not my type of humor, but Jean Loo is difficult to fall for.
Thankfully, other routes for relationship endings exist. The sick beats that Jean Loo spits are pretty good, though the fart sounds on the track are a bit much. If you’re into that sort of humor, he’s probably your dream guy, but as for me–it’s a hard pass.
5Telly, The TV
Where to begin with Telly? Cable television programming is all but a thing of the past, and holding a grudge against streaming services isn’t cute. Besides the utter mind-boggling design that made me cross-eyed, the constant rhymes had me gritting my teeth and begging for a swift and merciful ending.
Thankfully, all you really have to do it mess with Telly about how great streaming services are. It ends the relationship early and gives you your SPEC points so you can spend time with other household objects. Plus, you’ll get a visit from Reggie, and who doesn’t love Reggie?
4Rebel, The Rubber Duck
Love To Hate Them
Loving Rebel is such a complicated and frustrating task that it’s unlikely you’ll reach their love ending in your first run through. It took me several tries, and more often than not, you’ll end in the friend zone. Even harder to get is the hate ending, which feels like a feat in itself.
Making vulgar jokes, teasing their attitude, and engaging in a wild intimate encounter are all fun and games, but dating Rebel isn’t something that should feel like a chore. Because it does, and because Rebel spontaneously appears in your other conversations, they earned a spot on our list. We’re sure they’re happy about it, too.
3Lux, The Lights
The Lights Are On, But I’m Not Coming Home
Expecting the lights to be vain is one thing, but seeing Lux for the first time set my course in stone. Could I attempt to fall in love with them? Absolutely–but I wouldn’t. It was far more fun to trigger the voice lines where we tormented each other. The attitude is peak, and the hate ending can be achieved so fast, you may get whiplash.
Maybe one day I’ll romance the florescent star, but that day’s not today. He’s gorgeous to be sure, but I can be antagonistic at times and Lux unfortunately played along too well for me.
2Harper, The Hamper
A Totally Toxic Partner
No one in the house is more toxic than Harper. As someone who loves seeing Laura Bailey’s performances, she delivered her rage-fueled lines beautifully, but Harper herself is a problem that needs to be dealt with. Two sandwiches short of a picnic, Harper toes the line between yandere and obsessive due to her previous relationship trauma.
However, the real reason she’s on this list is because you don’t get much of a choice in your relationship with her. You can pick the final ending, sure, but Harper is bent on having you all to herself regardless of your wants. That’s not healthy.
1Regina Rejection, Heartbreak Itself
Taking Pride In Your Misery Since Day One
Building a relationship with Regina is a task in itself, and falling in love with heartbreak is… a tad cliche, perhaps. The dark and brooding character who revels in misery finding a happy ending? Been there, done that. By far, the best character to get a hate ending with would be the Regina.
Getting heartbreak itself to hate you is a challenge I’ll happily accept. After all, doing so involves learning from them and giving them a taste of their own medicine. It’s perfectly ironic, and Reggie probably won’t hold it against you for too long. Misery does love company.
