I loveAnimal Crossingas much as the next person, but let’s not pretend every villager is just a sweet little creature collecting bugs and sipping on coconut juice.
Some of them - some of them - give off weird energy. Maybe it’s the vacant stare. Maybe it’s the weird house decor. Maybe it’s the way they talk about ‘snacks’ without specifying. Whatever it is, I’m watching my back. Here’s who you should too.
10Sherb
Sherb’s got that wide-eyed, dumb little goat look like he’s never had a thought in his life, and that’s exactly why he’s dangerous. He wouldn’t even realize what he was doing until it was too late.
One second, you’re showing him your new fish. The next, you’re the snack. You’ll just be gone, and Sherb will be chewing on your sandal, asking if you heard something. Yes, Sherb. My screams.
9Beardo
You know that guy who uses the word “esoteric” way too confidently? That’s Beardo. He’ll invite you over for ‘tapas’ and you’ll never come back. I
don’t trust anyone who uses doilies and wears a robe 24/7. He probably seasons his victims with lavender oil and fennel. He’d call it “artisanal consumption” and then journal about it.
8Bob
Bob looks like he knows exactly where the bodies are buried… because he put them there. Those half-lidded eyes are not lazy. They’re calculating.
That little smile is the smirk of someone who’s already decided which organ to remove first. Honestly, I think he’s just waiting for Tom Nook to slip up so he can ascend.
7Bud
Bud is the guy who’d tell you to chill out as he slowly roasts you over a fire. He’s laid-back, sure, but in that way that makes you wonder what’s actually going on behind the sunglasses.
He’d definitely eat you and then offer your femur as a drumstick to the DJ at the afterparty. “It’s protein, bro.” No, Bud. It’s me.
6Camofrog
Camofrog doesn’t just have military experience. Camofrog is the wilderness. He’s got jungle instincts. He’s not pretending to be camo; he is camo. You’d be walking in the woods and then bam, you’re gone.
He’d make a meal out of you, clean his hands with a leaf, and vanish into the trees. Is it murder if it’s natural selection? Camofrog doesn’t think so, and he definitely doesn’t lose sleep over it.
5Cephalobot
Listen, when the robot uprising begins, Cephalobot isn’t going to hesitate. He’s going to see our fleshy bodies and compute exactly how many calories he can get per limb. I, for one, welcome our shiny octopus overlord, but let’s be clear, he will eat us. Coldly. Efficiently. Probably while giving status updates to some satellite in low orbit.
There’s no bloodlust. Just data. Just progress. Just… snack analysis complete.
4Cobb
Cobb has mad scientist written all over him. His house is literally a science lab. You walk in expecting a DIY recipe and walk out, oh wait, you don’t walk out. You become a subject. A case study.
Maybe Cobb just wants to know what happens when he mixes frog DNA with your spleen. It’s for science. He’ll take notes. He’ll feel no guilt. Beware.
3Elvis
Elvis didn’t claw his way to the top of the lion hierarchy to not eat people. He’s regal. He’s powerful. He does what he wants. You are not a friend, you’re a subject.
And if the king wakes up cranky one day and decides you’d go well with a vintage bottle of apple cider, well, hope you left a will. Elvis doesn’t apologize. He just roars and keeps the crown.
2Lucky
He’s a literal mummy. Do I need to go on? This dog has seen death. Been death. He’s wrapped in bandages and probably curses. If he opens his mouth and a swarm of ancient locusts flies out, I won’t be shocked.
He’s just one graveyard nap away from becoming a full-on zombie. And when that happens, he’s not chasing brains. He’s chasing you. And honestly, you probably taste better than you think.
1Judy
Oh, Judy. Sparkly-eyed, pastel-colored, galaxy-themed Judy. She looks like she was handcrafted by a team of unicorns under a double rainbow, and that’s exactly why I don’t trust her. That kind of aesthetic perfection doesn’t come without a body count.
She’d lull you in with her sparkles and soft voice, then… well… eat you. Hey, you clicked the article, not me. You’ll die, and she’ll sing about it in perfect pitch.
